Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Way Off Target

Every now and then I get an invitation to renew my subscription to Runner's World magazine, which is pretty funny because I don't run. I have subscribed to a ton of magazines over the years until I Zoloft-ed the need for magazines out of me, so I can sort of understand how a mix-up like someone thinking I might be interested to Runner's World would happen.

Here recently, I've gotten such strange things in the mail that I'm beginning to be a little concerned about identity theft or having some sort of random amnesia. Just this week I got a postcard thanking me for attending service at a church 30 miles from my house. Yesterday's offering from the mailbox led to a little misunderstanding with Fidel. He walked into the foyer to see what had arrived for him and discovered a baby formula sample from Enfamil. He walked back to the kitchen to ask me if there was anything I needed to tell him. I had forgotten about the formula sample so I immediately got a hot flash and wondered what I had bought and neglected to hide in time. He finally let me off the hook and reminded me that there was a container of baby formula in the foyer.

I'm pretty sure that somewhere, some pregnant jogger is wondering why marketing companies think she's developed a sudden need for chocolate and cocktail recipes.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Alive and Kicking but Quite Ashamed

I wish I had the excuse of some grand adventure or amusing misadventure to explain my absence, but the real truth of the matter is that I was wallowing in self pity and not taking the time to be funny. Not that my funny is a gift to the world, but it is a big part of me and I lost it there for a while. Just recently I've been in situations and thought, Gosh, I really need to blog this. My IRL friends don't know about my blog because I have to reserve the right to rag on them anonymously so they couldn't prod me to write in the same way they prodded me to get out of my pajamas at 5 pm or to fix my hair, for chrissakes.

I'm sitting here before 8 am, listening to the birds chirp around me. We spent a week at the beach in SC and it was amazing. I grew up on SC beaches and after having lived in Hawaii and vacationing in Mexico and the Bahamas, I always said that I didn't care if I ever saw the brown water of the Atlantic again. I was wrong because as far as I'm concerned at this very moment, there's no beach finer than the one we are leaving today. Our girls had the times of their lives. I feel more normal than I've felt in months.

Thanks for the prod, Not So Mom-a-licious!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Decisions, Decisions

We had some scary weather tonight in North Georgia!

Fidel and the kids are visiting his family this week, so it's just me and the dogs. The dogs and I were parked on the couch tonight watching the local weatherman jizz his pants over the strong thunderstorms in the area, and it looked like I was going to have to retreat to the basement while the house blew down around me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be down there empty handed, so while the winds blew and the clouds spit hail, I debated on taking either wine or chocolate to nourish me until the worst was over. A true alcoholic would have never debated as long as I did between wine and chocolate, so in the heat of the summer when I'm in the months-long vodka fog, I can look back on this and assure myself that I am, in fact, not an alcoholic. Just a fan of vodka, lemons and mint. And so flighty in the brain that I can stand in the kitchen and lose track of my thoughts, even with threatened with certain peril from the sky. Gifted with dropping run-on sentences and fragments in the same, disjointed paragraph. Drugged enough that I don't give a shit.

Life is good. And I chose chocolate.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's The Economy

First, I want to apologize for my lack of posting. I know you've heard this before but here I am apologizing again. I just don't feel very funny any more. Life has turned into more than frivolous adventures and my funny took a hike.

I imagine that My Funny is on a sunny beach somewhere drinking champagne in the mornings, beer for lunch and martinis for dinner. Meanwhile, I'm back here in the real world scrambling for retail hours and trying to get my husband to fire the innocent laborers who clean his offices to hire me to do the same work for less pay. I can't even drink away the pain of not being able to shop or take vacations because I have to work. I can't show up drunk to sell children's clothing, now can I? No 5-year old needs a blurry eyed woman slurring, "You are a hot bitch" at them as they try on embroidered clothing. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to drink and I have to get up to get the kids off to school early the next morning so I'm just living a cycle of boredom over and over and over again.

My hair looks like total shit because the only stylist I liked had a mental breakdown 18 months ago and dropped off the face of the Earth. I can deal with anything as long as my hair is rocking but my mop of birdstraw is far from rocking. Honestly at this point if I had a freak accident involving whirling machine parts and my hair I'd probably look better in the "after" shot.

I really feel like I should get myself a long, frumpy denim skirt to rock with some Easy Spirit shoes and seasonal vests and make the most of my new somber self. But I've never given up that easily so I'm going to suck it up and get back to being me.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Art Imitating Life

I have recently gotten hooked on playing Animal Kingdom: City Folk on the Wii. It's fun for me, the kids love watching and playing along by guessing the fish, etc., so we do play. A lot.

Today in Wii World, my town's store is closed for renovations so I have a shitload of fish and seashells scattered around the floor of my home, awaiting the store's grand reopening so I can sell it for some bells.

I mentioned my addiction to my friend Ashley, and she immediately said, "I need your friend code". I gave it to her but the first thing that popped into my head was, "Don't mind the mess, I haven't gotten around to straightening up yet". Then I looked around my real life house and realized that I'm the same slacker in Wii-land as I am in real life. Hopefully Ashley isn't the same on the Wii as in real life or we will find a bar, stay up all night drinking and laughing, then pop some diet pills the next morning for the energy to start all over again. I've seen us do it.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Hush Your Mouth!

You know how I have my favorite Craigslist loony who writes these detailed descriptions of the most random shit. She posts treasures like this daily:

Every new bride knows you gotta have china.

For your consideration is this beautiful vintage embossed swirl set made
in China, featuring rosebuds among a single bloom, lavender wispy ferns,
with green leaves and stems. I believe this is a Moss Rose pattern. A
very nice delicate added touch is the gold trim that surrounds the cup and

It is a refreshing example of fine porcelain china presented in a delicate
design, pattern and painting style. Both lovely display objects will grace
any table, curio or china cabinet. Cup features intricate handle, and both
footed pieces are with vivid colors.

Here is a delightful set from Zhong Guo Zhi Zao is made by Phoenix H
circa 1980-1990.

Cup and saucer is definitely a vintage work of art, and has a lot going for
it. Porcelain is unusually light but strong – making this the ultimate
experience of a delicious cup of brewed tea, coffee or chocolate.

Maker’s mark inscribed in black scripted Chinese and English lettering
under glaze authenticates both pieces as a factory matching set with the
number ‘9’. Black and white back stamp under glaze features trademark
logo with 2 peacocks and the letter ‘H’ in the center. It is followed by
Chinese script and the words ‘Made In China’.

Shiny glaze. 22 kt. gold trim intact. Nice ring tone when gently struck.
No crazing or cracks. Small 1/16ths inch chip to handle made at factory
level – China has an embossed swirl pattern so unnoticeable unless you
are looking for it. Saucer is pristine. May have minor scuff marks – if
any. Well kept. Colors are vivid and bright. White is white. Overall,
looks great and very clean.

All that for a $9 teacup from the early 1990's. She even describes how the teacup sounds when gently struck. I don't know about you but that's at the top of my list of questions when buying a cheap ass second hand teacup and saucer off Craigslist.

Apparently other Craigslist regulars are beginning to tire of the elegance of this Craiglist Cuckoo and have called her out, asking her to get her own ebay store. One brute went so far as to post this:

I agree with the previous poster asking why not just get an eBay store....
I'm like the others....very tired of reading a dadblasted novel about every little trinket that you have found at the thrift store for the last 12 years...
And please stop overposting while you're at it.

She's listed at least 10 more items since she was called out, showing that she's a true lady of elegance and perseverance.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

That Was Misleading

I just opened my computer to a headline reading, "Deicer Sucked Into Cabin of Airplane" and I got a little alarmed. I was picturing an actual human being wearing a name tag that said, "Jamie: Deicing Crew" being sucked into a closed airplane. I just didn't know how on Earth that could even be possible so I had to actually read the article, which went on to explain that a de-icing chemical had managed to enter the cabin of an airplane on the tarmac. That makes a lot more sense.

Unfortunately I wasn't shocked at the news that several passengers had to seek medical attention due to burning eyes. Those people can get a sniff of Windex and see dollar signs.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Seriously. The Sequel

I had three standout customers today.

1. Tag Switcher. Tag Switcher brought a nice sweater up to the counter and when I rang it up, the cost was around $5 and the description was for a t-shirt. When I brought this to her attention and pulled up the true price of the sweater, Tag Switcher protested loudly by saying, "Oh no, no NO" and turned around and left. A coworker pointed out that Tag Switcher is a regular and tries that old switcheroo on everyone. Sure enough, the tag was distressed where she had removed it from one shirt to put on the sweater.

2. Queen of Customer Service. QofCS brought a pair of pants that were marked $4.99 to the register. They rang up for around $8, then with the discount went down to $6. I'm not sure where the markdown sticker on the pants came from, because ours are easily peelable and we have some goofballs with access to a sticker gun, but either way it wasn't a valid price. I brought the discrepancy to the manager on duty's attention and she said that we couldn't sell the item at that price. I got a lecture from the QoCS about the policy at Macy's, then she told me she owned a business, blah blah blah. I know I had the "You are seriously not arguing with me over a $6 pair of pants" look on my face. She kept on and on so I told her I'd be happy to return the pants for her and as I went to process that, she decided that she really indeed wanted the pants.

3. Ghetto Trick. Ghetto Trick was missing a few teeth, very loud and chewing on a See's Candy lollipop as she tried to scam a few gift boxes out of us. She had a kid who she plopped down in our little kids entertainment section and ignored until we heard customers gasping, then we saw her kid- sitting buck naked in our kids chairs. GT tried to hand us a piss soaked Pull Up to put in the trash. How I managed to keep the "Oh Hell no" in my mouth I may never know, but I did manage to direct her to the trash can in the mall corridor in a ladylike manner. She left the kid in the store in his jeans while she did that and I was talking to him when he said, "My pants are wet" and sure enough, he had stood there and pissed his pants. By the time Ghetto Trick was back in the store, that kid had stomped around the kids area in his piss pants.

Today was a pretty lively day.

I'll See Your Easy Spirits

And raise with these Crocs.

My coworker and I were talking today about our need for new shoes (ha) so on my lunch, I was hanging around outside starbucks waiting on a friend and I wandered over to the Crocs kiosk and got flirted with by the little lesbian sales clerk. I bought a pair of shoes. For me. Crocs. They are actually pretty cute and very comfy. I was wearing jeans with cute little Eddie Bauer patterned socks (about 5 years old) and when I put on my new Crocs, the socks peeked out a little bit and it was a good look. You know, for Crocs. I was feeling a little dorky until my coworker stuck her foot out and showed me her new shoes. She had bought Easy Spirits. I had to laugh at her.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


I worked today at my retail job. I had one bitch who really tried my patience. Normally, our customers are way nice but this one today just took the cake for being a pain in the ass. We have a promotion going on now where you get a voucher type deal for a future purchase for a certain dollar amount and this lady had a huge arm full of clearance merchandise and had me ring up every. single. fucking. item and read her the final amount for each piece. Then she would sit there and debate with me and herself about whether or not she was going to purchase the items, one by one. We had a line going out of our door and I seriously must have spent 20 minutes with this woman over a bunch of clearance crap. After the fourth transaction (of course she wanted all this shit in separate batches) she comes around the counter to put her bags under my feet so that she could do some more shopping in the store.

I love my job and most times it's a pleasure to help people, but if I made the rules I'd ban that chick from the store. I'm clearly not cut out for management.